An Open Letter to the Students of Anacortes High School.
To Whom It May Concern:
Hello. You may have heard of me. I am the one you mortals call ‘Fate,’ or ‘Chance.’ Sometimes I am called ‘Karma,’ though that is more a mood I occasionally get than my identity. My vindictive-, or maybe satirical side.
I am lowering myself and communicating in this primitive format (I am told it is called a ‘formal letter of complaint’) to catch you mortals’ attention. I need to make you understand my position and make clear some changes that must be made. You see, I am utterly fed up with your games of Chance. Your games of me, whatever you may call them. Leaving things to Destiny, or Fate, card games, bets, references to Luck, Karma, and knocking on wood… Do you not understand how much work that gives me? Furthermore, it is not even important work. It is not even close to being worth my valuable time. For example, I just got 6,074 notifications for decisions I need to make regarding which side a spotted cube is to land on. I mean, seriously?? Who cares? I know someone must, or it would never have been brought to my attention. You are caring so much, playing stupid games, using me over, and over, and over again, in ways not befitting my import. This forces me to put in so much effort to make all these decisions that do not even matter!
Now, some people have thought it a clever rebuttal to ask why I don’t just ‘leave it to chance’, and pick a random side, or card, or winner, or whatever. In response, I usually wait in silence for a few minutes, or however long it takes for them to realize how stupid they, and their suggestions, are. To make it completely clear to your slow human minds, let me explain. If I follow that idiotic suggestion and pick randomly for a decision, another notification would pop up asking for my decision on that decision. Obviously, that is not very useful.
I have also been told to ‘suck it up,’ that ‘they’re just decisions,’ and that I am ‘lucky,’ because I ‘don’t even really have to do anything’. I usually respond to that by making a pit open up right underneath their confidant little feet… … Forgive me… I lost my train of thought for a moment there. Anyway, that usually helps them understand how I feel. After all, every day I drown in all the ridiculous little choices I have to make.
You are all students, right? Do you not hate busy work? Well, stop using me so much for stupid decisions, or I will make your Fate include a lot of busy work. That way, your brain will melt and you will understand how I feel. Or, I’ll just drop you in a pit. That would take less work, and you know by now that I have enough of that already.
Anyway, you have been warned.
P.S. By the way, everyone asks, so, no, your dreams will not come true. Ever. Especially if you are a gambler. I hate gamblers.